So I think maybe I'm ok to start this thing back up...
With some noticeable changes of course.
Any one for or against this potential comeback?
I am finished. I'm cutting every indirect source and some direct sources of communication from everyone. So don't be suprised if I don't answer your phone calls. Not that anyone gives a shit anyway.
So long and goodnight.
He just asked my little sis for her money, she is 8 years old. I gave him everything in my wallet and told him not to go near her again.
I am alone.
You can't come home.
hello darkness my old friend, i'm here to talk with you again.
Inter-racial fight today at the gray.
Why do people have to be like that? Why in the face of crisis and destruction do people still have so much hate? Why can't people open their minds and look around?
Katrina still won't let me watch the news with out tears.
There is a racist guy who works with me. Like he is seriously racist. This world makes me want to
people hearing with out listining.
omg. guess what?!
I work with a lot of guys and they are so cool. Especially this one manager that is exceptionally great. They are all hilarious and nice. Oh and I can eat for free as long as I tell that one cool manager and I can also take a break whenever as long as I tell someone and its slow. Since I work weeknights it's alomost always slow. I close, and when I close there are like two things to do and me and the other cash register share it equally. A lot of the guys come and help out too, even though they don't have to which is really nice. I work when I want too. They ask me when I can work. It is greatness I am so excited to work there.
Classes are hard to keep up with and crap. Tech class=fun now. I have a prose and DI. No duet this year. Disappointing.
Things I am dreading:
1) Going to productions with out a duet script or acceptable DI.
2) Pre cal test 2nd period. Really nervous although I am going to study and get it down the best I can, it still worries me.
3) U.S. History on tuesday.
4) Physics test 3rd period, I haven't been paying attention.
5) Writing my english essay.
6) Knowing I have to go a couple weeks with out you holding me.
Things I am looking forward to:
1) Rehearsal on tuesday with out scripts
2) Costume attempts
3) People in productions
4) Tech class
5) The moment I see you again
Hmmmm pre even lists. Ha so it's final i'm fired from chick-fil-a they sent my check in the mail, $50 though. Me and John went there yesterday and met the girl that replaced me. She's nice. I feel sorry for her. Party heroing is cool. People are cool, seems ok enough.
So the weekend was pretty awesome...Dom, John, and Billy came into town. It was so great seein them again. I missed all of them so much. Being aroun each of them makes me so happy. It feels good to look at them and know everything is ok. And if it isn't, they are there no matter what. I just missed one punk ass...I also saw faf which was nice.
Still don't have a duet script, still have to get my DI script down. Yeahhhh I should probably work on that stuff...Oh yeah found out my character is not dumb, she is actually sexy...That is a HUGE stretch for me...It is going to take an immense amount of watching, training, and changing on my part. But i'm ready.
Pre cal sucks. What really pisses me off is the fact that I don't need this credit. I think i'm going to ask my mom to move me to regular math after the first report card because as much as I like the challenge and learning...I just can't handle it this year with two jobs, plays, and my other classes. Not going to happen. Hope she understands. In better academic news I am passing U.S. history! Which is great. We only have one grade which is the test everyone failed with a 10 point curve. But I came through with a 76 even with that crap outline I had. So yeah I i'm ok with that seeing as how I BS'd and guessed all through that test and others who studied came out with a 50 with the curve. I am also passing spanish! HA! In that bastards face
School this week has been acceptable. Skipped pre cal and hung out with Dom before he left. Just another couple days...interview at mr. gattis on thursday. Party hero...talkin bout it? I am.
I saw you today. And after I couldn't stop the tears. I had held them in so long being angry. I didn't want to give them to you. I didn't want you or let myself think you were worth any...but you are. I thought a long time about the past, again for the first time since I last talked to you. I remember everything. Every detail...does that mean something? Because I can't help but think it does. I looked you in your eyes on accident and all I could feel was pain. From both of us. I wanted to reach out and hug you. I wanted you to hold me like you used to. But I didn't. I didn't even watch you leave like I always used to. I hate that you did this to us. How could you? I told you not to even start! Did you think I was kidding? That I was stupid? That I was to unexperienced to know what I was talking about? Well I wasn't. I knew it you bastard.
Billy and John are home. I saw Billy today. I missed him so much. Should see John later. Hopefully that bitch.
I left all my stuff at the gray. Really sucks. Stupid bombs.
I think my grades are bad by now. Not good. I hate pre-cal, and U.S. history. OMG I HATE US HISTORY!
Might get a job at mr.gattis as a party hero. It's convenient. Fuck Chick-fil-a. Try to fire me...well i don't need ya! AND YOU SALTED YOUR FIRES TOO MUCH ON OCCASION! So there.
Wake me up when September ends...
I got another journal so I won't have to vent in this one as much anymore.
Things could be better.
White Oleander came back with terrible reviews. Either I went over time, or I am just crap. I think it had to be the latter since my rooms were so bad. But i'm turning it into a DI so that will help...hopefully.
John will probably be here this weekend, which is awesome! Maybe Billy too which would be a double bonus! Others might don't know yet.
Gotta work on some precal.
I'm actually getting it so far. It's amazing.
Almost...I started...looked at my notes...and was...lost...dammit.
Be with me please I beseech you...
John left today. Took me to school, then left. Dammit. That hurt. I guess since he didn't leave with everyone else I felt a deep reassurance in his presence. Now he's gone. Really fuckin gone.
White Oleanders is final. I have to read, cut, memorize, and start creating a charactor tonight.
I want to sleep away this internal exhaustion.
I want to scream at my self in the mirror
I want to be held by you
I want to leave and never come back
I want to act
I want guys to stop being guys and let me breathe
I want to do yoga
I want to be free
I want to let my self love my father
I want to run away
I want my appetite to come back
I want to stop being so moody
I want the pressure on my shoulders to leave
I want to live at the PAC breathe nothing but the air at the PAC
I want to quit my job
I want to become an alcoholic and care about nothing
I want things to be black and white no gray
I want to see what is black and white
I want to marry Cillian Murphy and I want Conan O'Brien to be my best friend
I want a companion i'm tired of being alone
I want to stop losing everything and one
I want to stop crying
Most of all I just want to act.