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you wear me out

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New start pending [21 Mar 2006|11:54pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So I think maybe I'm ok to start this thing back up...

With some noticeable changes of course.

Any one for or against this potential comeback?

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This is the end [18 Sep 2005|10:47pm]
[ mood | tired ]


I am finished. I'm cutting every indirect source and some direct sources of communication from everyone. So don't be suprised if I don't answer your phone calls. Not that anyone gives a shit anyway.

So long and goodnight.

4 comments|post comment

[17 Sep 2005|04:26pm]
[ mood | alone ]

Dads Drunk.

He just asked my little sis for her money, she is 8 years old. I gave him everything in my wallet and told him not to go near her again.

I am alone.

You can't come home.

hello darkness my old friend, i'm here to talk with you again.

Inter-racial fight today at the gray.

Why do people have to be like that? Why in the face of crisis and destruction do people still have so much hate? Why can't people open their minds and look around?

Katrina still won't let me watch the news with out tears.

There is a racist guy who works with me. Like he is seriously racist. This world makes me want to cry. Die.

people hearing with out listining.

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Paranoia Striks Deep, into your life it will creep. [16 Sep 2005|11:39pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

omg. guess what?!


I work with a lot of guys and they are so cool. Especially this one manager that is exceptionally great. They are all hilarious and nice. Oh and I can eat for free as long as I tell that one cool manager and I can also take a break whenever as long as I tell someone and its slow. Since I work weeknights it's alomost always slow. I close, and when I close there are like two things to do and me and the other cash register share it equally. A lot of the guys come and help out too, even though they don't have to which is really nice. I work when I want too. They ask me when I can work. It is greatness I am so excited to work there.

Classes are hard to keep up with and crap. Tech class=fun now. I have a prose and DI. No duet this year. Disappointing.

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Oldies make you crazy [12 Sep 2005|07:16pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Things I am dreading:

1) Going to productions with out a duet script or acceptable DI.
2) Pre cal test 2nd period. Really nervous although I am going to study and get it down the best I can, it still worries me.
3) U.S. History on tuesday.
4) Physics test 3rd period, I haven't been paying attention.
5) Writing my english essay.
6) Knowing I have to go a couple weeks with out you holding me.

Things I am looking forward to:

1) Rehearsal on tuesday with out scripts
2) Costume attempts
3) People in productions
4) Tech class
5) The moment I see you again

Hmmmm pre even lists. Ha so it's final i'm fired from chick-fil-a they sent my check in the mail, $50 though. Me and John went there yesterday and met the girl that replaced me. She's nice. I feel sorry for her. Party heroing is cool. People are cool, seems ok enough.

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Sick to my heart [08 Sep 2005|11:27pm]
[ mood | full ]

So the weekend was pretty awesome...Dom, John, and Billy came into town. It was so great seein them again. I missed all of them so much. Being aroun each of them makes me so happy. It feels good to look at them and know everything is ok. And if it isn't, they are there no matter what. I just missed one punk ass...I also saw faf which was nice.

Still don't have a duet script, still have to get my DI script down. Yeahhhh I should probably work on that stuff...Oh yeah found out my character is not dumb, she is actually sexy...That is a HUGE stretch for me...It is going to take an immense amount of watching, training, and changing on my part. But i'm ready.

Pre cal sucks. What really pisses me off is the fact that I don't need this credit. I think i'm going to ask my mom to move me to regular math after the first report card because as much as I like the challenge and learning...I just can't handle it this year with two jobs, plays, and my other classes. Not going to happen. Hope she understands. In better academic news I am passing U.S. history! Which is great. We only have one grade which is the test everyone failed with a 10 point curve. But I came through with a 76 even with that crap outline I had. So yeah I i'm ok with that seeing as how I BS'd and guessed all through that test and others who studied came out with a 50 with the curve. I am also passing spanish! HA! In that bastards face

School this week has been acceptable. Skipped pre cal and hung out with Dom before he left. Just another couple days...interview at mr. gattis on thursday. Party hero...talkin bout it? I am.

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Nomadic in a stationary setting [03 Sep 2005|10:27pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I saw you today. And after I couldn't stop the tears. I had held them in so long being angry. I didn't want to give them to you. I didn't want you or let myself think you were worth any...but you are. I thought a long time about the past, again for the first time since I last talked to you. I remember everything. Every detail...does that mean something? Because I can't help but think it does. I looked you in your eyes on accident and all I could feel was pain. From both of us. I wanted to reach out and hug you. I wanted you to hold me like you used to. But I didn't. I didn't even watch you leave like I always used to. I hate that you did this to us. How could you? I told you not to even start! Did you think I was kidding? That I was stupid? That I was to unexperienced to know what I was talking about? Well I wasn't. I knew it you bastard.

Billy and John are home. I saw Billy today. I missed him so much. Should see John later. Hopefully that bitch.

I left all my stuff at the gray. Really sucks. Stupid bombs.

I think my grades are bad by now. Not good. I hate pre-cal, and U.S. history. OMG I HATE US HISTORY!

Might get a job at mr.gattis as a party hero. It's convenient. Fuck Chick-fil-a. Try to fire me...well i don't need ya! AND YOU SALTED YOUR FIRES TOO MUCH ON OCCASION! So there.

Wake me up when September ends...

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New Shit [29 Aug 2005|06:08pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I got another journal so I won't have to vent in this one as much anymore.

Things could be better.

White Oleander came back with terrible reviews. Either I went over time, or I am just crap. I think it had to be the latter since my rooms were so bad. But i'm turning it into a DI so that will help...hopefully.

John will probably be here this weekend, which is awesome! Maybe Billy too which would be a double bonus! Others might don't know yet.

Gotta work on some precal. I'm actually getting it so far. It's amazing.

Almost...I started...looked at my notes...and was...lost...dammit.

Be with me please I beseech you...

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Alone in a crowd of thousands [25 Aug 2005|04:40pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

John left today. Took me to school, then left. Dammit. That hurt. I guess since he didn't leave with everyone else I felt a deep reassurance in his presence. Now he's gone. Really fuckin gone.

White Oleanders is final. I have to read, cut, memorize, and start creating a charactor tonight.

I want to sleep away this internal exhaustion.

11 comments|post comment

life [23 Aug 2005|07:45pm]
[ mood | Dead ]

I want to scream at my self in the mirror
I want to be held by you
I want to leave and never come back
I want to act
I want guys to stop being guys and let me breathe
I want to do yoga
I want to be free
I want to let my self love my father
I want to run away
I want my appetite to come back
I want to stop being so moody
I want the pressure on my shoulders to leave
I want to live at the PAC breathe nothing but the air at the PAC
I want to quit my job
I want to become an alcoholic and care about nothing
I want things to be black and white no gray
I want to see what is black and white
I want to marry Cillian Murphy and I want Conan O'Brien to be my best friend
I want a companion i'm tired of being alone
I want to stop losing everything and one
I want to stop crying

Most of all I just want to act.

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Gone [22 Aug 2005|04:54pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Box and Dom left. I saw Dom the morning he left. It has helped a lot. I just can't believe they actually left me. I miss them so much already.

1st day of school was great. I like my classes and i'll have a lot of people who can help me should I get lost. The only down side is I didn't get to meet any new people. I mean the people I did see were great and it was nice walking to all of my classes and a full room yelling SARAH!!! But it would have been cool to meet new friends. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

Just said goodbye to Richie. Jeeze two years. That is huge. (ha nichole). When he gets back I will be graduated and starting college. That is mind blowing to me.

Got my 1st pay check! $148.27!!! But $80 went to my dad and $10 to my mom so I actually only got $60. But I still have to buy Box's panda and send it off so...i'll end up with about $20 lol. But work isn't so bad anymore so its ok.

I really miss you in particular. No one will ever match you. If I find someone i'll be settling. Really blows.

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Bad move [20 Aug 2005|01:32pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Wow. Billy is actually gone. Hung out with him yesterday. It was a good day. But I didn't get to say goodbye properly since I thought I would see him later on. I can't believe he did that. I needed closure. That really upset me. He said he would see me later that day and never came. Really hurts. Right now I still don't really believe he is gone. It was a terrible thing to do.

PP called from Texas State today. She was actually at Texas State. Taking classes. Freakin scary. Saw box yesterday, and leaving work early to see him again tonight. It is coming to an end. It really is. God this hurts. I can't believe this. I don't know how to live my life with out you guys. I'm so scared of you not being a car ride away. I can't see you in 5 minutes anymore. I can't hug you when i'm sad. Your shoulder won't be there for me to cry on. I can't share an ecstatic amazing day of practice with a huge hug and lots of laughing. I can't look at your smile and automatically feel at ease; like everything will be ok. This is love. I can't believe it's being torn way from me. No more late nights at Borders, driving your car in a random parking lot, almost dying from your own moronic driving techniques, sitting on my roof, laying in my driveway, sitting in the front of my house, sneakin out, random knocking at my window, random visits that brightened my day, fruit cups, parties with you guys, and i'm already sobbing so I have to stop.

Red eye was ok. Cillian Murphy amazing in every way.

Richie and me need to hang out.

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Angry thoughts [17 Aug 2005|10:56pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Life Blows.

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College is the cloud over my sun [12 Aug 2005|11:49pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

I can't believe I am about to say this but...I had a good day at work today. I mean it was extremely good. I only got like two stupid customers, the guys that hit on me were all under 20 (as opposed to the usual 60), the people I were working with actually worked, I got off at 10:00 the time I was supposed to, and I have found that I actually like everyone I worked with today. I mean I was in a pretty bad mood when I left for work and was dreading it...but it made so feel so much better. I worked hard and so did everyone else. It was a good feeling.

Got my schedule. Pretty crap if I do say so my self.

Tech is 1st!?!?!?
Productions 2nd?!?!?!

US History(AP)-Mabrito

Hopefully the peeps are cool. Got my ID, I look so angry in it lol. My friend was like it doesn't even look like you...I guess cause your always smiling, and making so many cute faces. He was like i'm not used to this get it away from me lol. Well school is around the corner and i'm like 20 pages from the end of my book. Looking forward to getting back into the swing of a busy hectic life. I guess that's pretty much all I have to say.

oh yeah I forgot-Dom you're a bitch. I thought you said you were takin care of my crap! lol I hate you...
p.s. i love you.

9 comments|post comment

Starting Over [11 Aug 2005|12:28pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I hate being a girl. Guys have it so easy.

Watched Dom pack his theatre stuff yesterday. Sad days. I saw things from his first play. Then the finished box marked "ANTHONYS THEATRE '01-'05." That is the closest i've ever come to the reality of everyone leaving. That finalized box. That empty space in his room.

Red eye is out the 19th. Can't wait.

Tomorrow I gotta go back to that wretched school so I can get my books, ID, and schedule changes if I need. I hate new things when it some to changing a process, it never turns out good with me.

and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
of the time

and so it is
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her sky

i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes...

2 comments|post comment

Sundays are Crap [07 Aug 2005|01:49pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I don't like sundays at all.

I don't know how to lose...

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Come on! [05 Aug 2005|12:34pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Well Chick-fil-a...is crap. It really is a disaster I can't believe I am going to be working there a lot more. There is something bad from like every angle. But it is a job. And I have to keep it.

Especially since it's crap on top of everything else. I expected it to be a haven...but of course it is just another hell. Oh well. I think i'm going to start needing envelopes like pp lol.

Hey I got something in the mail from Baylor. Nice.

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Time is eating my life [03 Aug 2005|11:06pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I start at Chick-fil-a tomorrow. Pretty excited about that...well about the paycheck i'll eventually get actually. Guh although i'm stuck wearing that terrible uniform. Oh well it will be a change of scenery, and it will help take my mind off things. Plus i'll get to meet new people which I love doing.

"God I can't believe this! This is all your fault Lard-o!"

"Hey what did I do!?!"

"I was talking to Chris!"

"Oh...yeah Lard-o!"

He's holding back from telling her what it really feels...

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pain [02 Aug 2005|03:41pm]
[ mood | Torn to shreds ]

My heart hurts.

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Contemplation often leads to destruction [31 Jul 2005|10:12pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

I dislike you now. I thought once we hung out that things would at least be fun...but I really don't care to be around you. Surprising and disappointing.

I don't like sundays. There is just never anything good about them. And that's saying something since i'm an optimist.

I close with this stupid Q&A(I figure that since I have to learn these useless facts I might as well expose them to you too.)

What is "Lauren Bacalls" real name?

give up?

Betty Weinstein Bacall. When her mother divorced her father she discontinued the use of the name Weinstein and took her original last name Bacall for her and her daughter. Later in life while making her first big hit "TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT" (the movie she is most well known for) The famous director Howard Hawkes changed her first name to Lauren.

He's gasping for air

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